If reports are to be believed, everyone’s favourite oligarch is struggling to get his new superyacht delivered. Tom Isitt can’t help but emit a small, sadistic snigger . . .

I shouldn’t laugh. I really shouldn’t. But I can’t help it. Maybe it’s an envy thing, maybe it’s a sense of moral outrage, maybe it’s because I’m a deeply flawed man. But the news that Roman Abramovich is having trouble with his new boat makes me chuckle . . .

The Magical Backdrop

The superyacht world has been a-buzz and a-gog for several years, as details of Abramovich’s new build have emerged from the Blohm & Voss yard in Germany. They are building him a 560-foot, 13,000-tonne behemoth called ‘Eclipse’. It has two helipads, 11 guest cabins, 70 crew, 6,000 square feet of living space, two swimming pools, several hot tubs, a disco, three tenders and a mini-submarine. This will be the biggest private superyacht ever, and will make the royal families of Saudi, Dubai and Oman feel seriously under-endowed with their pitiful 500-footers. Abramovich already owns several vast superyachts, including Pelorus (pictured), a 377-foot Lurssen, but he wants another, much, much bigger one.

Now is it me, or is there something fundamentally wrong with a dozen or so of the world’s richest men spending hundreds of millions of pounds on proving a point? Really, who cares? Does it really matter that yours is 20 metres shorter than Paul Allen’s or that it’s 30 metres longer than Usmanov’s? These are intelligent men and yet they seem to behave like a bunch of nine year-olds playing Top Trumps.

The growing pains

However, it’s interesting that no matter rich and powerful you are, you still can’t get your boat delivered on time or in the condition you really want. Most of you will know what this is like, so it’s good to know that throwing more and more money at it won’t help. Whether it’s a 20-foot American bow-rider or a 560-ft German superyacht, the damn thing won’t be ready on time and it won’t be to quite the spec you thought you ordered.

Naturally, much of this is speculation, because neither the yard nor Abramovich will comment officially on the situation - but the word is that Eclipse is already six months late and has a snagging list as long as a baboon’s arm. Costing the thick end of £330 million, it was supposed to be delivered at the end of 2009, but it is still undergoing sea-trials prior to handover.

Teething troubles

Apparently there are several issues with it. A mirror the size of Norfolk broke during sea trials, some fool put one of the helipads in the wrong place, and the crystal glasswear rattles when the engines are running. Oh, and the nav systems are rubbish and the paint is flaking off in places, but most laughable of all has to be the row that has developed over ‘ethical sourcing’ of reptile and leopard skins to adorn the massage room . . .

Leaving aside the fact that anyone would actually want such a thing on board, the fact that the skins have to be ethically sourced presumably means not killing the animals involved. I have visions of Blohm & Voss employees dispatched to the four corners of the globe to track down and follow rare animals, waiting for them to die a natural death before returning triumphantly to Hamburg with their skins. No wonder the boat is six months behind schedule.

Even more intriguing than leopard-skin massage tables, however, is the notion that Eclipse (pictured) will have a missile defence system and an anti-paparazzi shield. Precisely what this means is unclear, mostly because it’s the sort of nonsense we read in the papers. Is it a defence system that uses missiles, or a defence system against missiles?

Either way, if a private yacht bristling with armaments arrives in territorial waters the local authorities and the military might have something to say about it. Interestingly, there is no sign of a Phalanx weapons system in the photographs, but perhaps they are still being adorned with ethically-sourced unicorn skins before being fitted to the boat.

The happy perspective

And so these fanciful musings bring us (as they always should) to a happy reflection on our own boating lives. And this month’s happy thought is as follows . . .

When your next new boat is delivered with the wrong coloured cushions, or they’ve erroneously fitted an 11-litre V12 diesel engine to your new ski boat, consider poor old Roman. Consider his misplaced helipad, his reptile dilemmas, his missing weapons and his tinkling crystal - and count yourself very fortunate indeed.